This is my blog and no one asked to be a part of it in my family. I have to find a balance and not hurt the people I love, and even the ones I don't.
I've had a hard weekend. The boys are spending it with their sister, her boyfriend, and their son. I don't have a problem with them being gone. In fact, I quite enjoy the peace and quiet. Guiltily, I wish I had this quietness more often. For 3 1/2 yrs it's only been me parenting 4 kids. That's where I'm struggling.
This may get boring, and I have no idea how I'm going to ramble, you may just want to go read something a bit more enjoyable than my so-called life.
My husband & I have been separated for over 3 1/2 yrs. Under less than desireable circumstances. Sometimes, like this weekend, I feel utterly alone. I'm supposed to be spending my life with the father of my children. Too bad I can hardly stand being in the same room as him without wanting to rush out as fast as I can.
At church today, the sermon was about the role of husband & father. I actually felt sick to my stomach and left. I figured it being Father's Day the message would be about dads. Even though my dad & I aren't close, I can handle hearing my pastor encourage men to be good dads. BTW, I dig my stepdad!
I couldn't handle hearing about the role a husband plays, because that in turn dictates his role as a dad. Unfortunately, mine estranged husband failed in both areas...greatly. I had to get out of church, God bless my pastor's sermon.
Now, here I sit today, one more day ALONE. Sometimes I feel alone even with my boys. I love all 4 of my kids. I had thought I'd spend the rest of my life with the man I married almost 12 yrs ago. Little did I know what our future really held.
With what's going on with my "marriage" you might be saying to yourself, "Then why not divorce him?" That's a really good question.
I have always rushed into things. Obviously, most often that doesn't bode well, especially with those BIG moments, like getting married. With the "downturn" (putting that mildly) in our marriage, I knew I wouldn't divorce him right away, if at all. I wanted what God wanted. Biblically, I believe that God has given me a means to get divorced without it being a sin.
I'm NOT going to debate theology, and my beliefs are NOT up for discussion. It's where I'm at and what I believe. I believe the Bible is the innerant, God breathed Word. That still left me in a quandry.
I want to spend my life with someone that digs me and I dig him. Listen, I've been married twice, third times a charm, right (if there's a 3rd time)? I have no illusions to the fact that marriages have their highs and lows. Unfortunately, my marriages were both mostly lows. I can't seem to do anything right.
I'm this gal who loves life, is goofy, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, ADD struggling, does a lot of things wrong, but on the rare occasion does something right, 40 yr old mom of 4 kids. Those last 2 items don't bode well for my future if and when I get a divorce. That is still undetermined, although I have recently spoken to my estranged husband and told him how I feel. I had to come clean.
So here I sit, Father's Day, having left church because I couldn't take the message, undecided about my future with my estranged husband, and knowing that my boys don't have a dad in their lives because of his choices.
I'm still surprised I'm having such a tough day. It was so unexpected.