Monday, December 13, 2010

My Life Is Not A Hallmark Movie

Hallmark Logo I have no idea if it’s the season, my mood, or too many darn Hallmark movies, but I realized my life is NOT one.

Ok, I realized it a long time ago, but watching all these stupid sweet movies has really solidified it in my mind. A woman somehow meets this amazing man, they fall in love in ways we could only dream, run into conflict, and repair their relationship and live happily ever after. Oh and they’re both beautiful and have the perfect music softly playing in the background.

First of all, I have a crappy track record with men. And I mean years of crappy. Started with my dad leaving when I was 6 and ended with my 2nd marriage in the crapper. Crappy all around.

Yes, you read 2nd marriage. Obviously I can’t do this right.

So, after watching all these movies the last week or so I’ve been trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be…kinda. Follow me here, okay.

I want to be a woman who inspires those around her. I want to make people feel like they’re better because they know me. I want to add to people’s lives. I want to build people up, encourage them. I really want to be all the things I’m not.Me and Ryan

I have no ambition (to be addressed in a future post). I can be crabby ESPECIALLY when I’m PMSing (I’m really not a pleasant person). I have ADD so I tend to react immediately instead of thinking things through. I am very self centered and rarely think of the happiness of others. I’m pretty reliant on others and generally have little to give back.

So, the contrast between those two items doesn’t bode well for my life ever becoming a Hallmark movie. I have no idea how to bring who I’d like to be into the life of who I am. Sure it’s easy enough to say, “just do it” but putting it into action seems impossible. I live moment to moment and have never planned anything out. Even when I do plan something out I hardly ever follow through thanks to my ADD.

Detour…If you’ve never believed in ADD you should follow me around for a week. I’ll make you a believer. I’ve lived with it all my life and two of my kids have it. Thank goodness I’m not hyperactive (no commentary LP) or who knows what more of a mess I’d be.

What do you do when you struggle with who you are and who you want to be? I’m middle age…an old fogey by my own standards. Can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Yada yada yada

If I’m stuck in my hard and fastened ways how am I supposed to turn my life into a Hallmark movie? I realize that Hallmark movies aren’t real, but don’t we all want some part of the fairy tale? Well I do at least.

Anyone have a violin to play a sad song for me? Boo hoo woe is me. I know. I need to get over myself. I love my blog because it’s so cathartic!

Hey, if Hallmark were to name a movie after your life, what would it be?

3 comments:

Mimi said...

Oh honey, I could have written so much of this post myself. My movie would probably be called Screaming Mimi!

Hugs & love to you,
Mimi

debi9kids said...

I have just started reading a book that a blog friend sent me called Plan B by Pete Wilson (http://www.christianbook.com/what-when-doesnt-show-thought-would/pete-wilson/9780849946509/pd/946509 )
I have only gotten to about page 40, but I would def. suggest it as a place to start.
Sounds like it would be suitable for you.


ps For the record, I'd love to say that although you don't think you are thinking of anyone else, you have been very helpful in lifting me when I needed it most.
Thank you, my friend.

blueviolet said...

I love your honesty here so much. I'm glad you're starting to work through some things.

Based on your description, I'm really starting to wonder if I'm ADD too. Yikes.

Blogging is therapy for sure!

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