There are so many things I’ve wanted to post about lately and I just haven’t been ready to do that. With much I’m still not, but in due time. I have post upon post written in my head, but they wait for the right day.
Today’s post can’t wait though. I’ve been going through a rough patch and this post will be more cathartic than anything.
Certain events have been bringing to light parts of me that just aren’t pretty. Parts that, after being apart from my ex-husband for 6 yrs, I thought had finally started to heal and were done with. Unfortunately, it has become abundantly clear that there are still issues left that need resolving.
A couple issues are my insecurities and fears. Ok, well not just a couple, those are pretty much it. The last couple of weeks I’ve seen a very ugly side of myself that I wasn’t prepared for. Keeping them tucked away does nothing but help those feelings right along. So I’ve been trying to talk through them.
I have a friend who’s husband is a pastor and I’m going to be getting some guidance through them.
Tonight though, well, this past weekend to be more accurate, I have found another “gem” about myself. I have become a Pharisee. I have taken what God has shown ME personally and made it a law for everyone else. And I tell you what, you don’t follow that same law, we’re going to have words if our relationship is one that allows for that.
I’m self-righteous. I’m no longer God-righteous.
Tonight God showed me what I’ve become. I took what He showed is right for me and my family and forced it onto another who has been parenting his kids the way he’s chosen and feels is right for them. I disagreed and when he didn’t listen to me, I decided to sit on my high horse and look down on him. I chose to make this one decision my platform for showing him what he was doing “wrong”.
I told him after our encounter that I would seek the Lord and try to find a way to discuss this with him further, but honestly, I felt I was right and that the Lord agreed with me. I would just wait for him to figure it out. God works that way, doesn’t he?
Um, no, He doesn’t. I know God wanted me off of my pedestal, but I wasn’t willing to relent. God agreed with how I was raising my boys, surely he would agree when I told someone else how they should do it. Oh, and do it my way.
Funny how it doesn’t work that way. God wanted to change me, I wanted to change them, and I ended up losing. I hurt them. I distanced myself from them and ultimately from the Lord.
I want to walk in meekness and humility, yet I go forth in pride and vanity. I want God to change me without seeking him or doing the work. God is God. He’s in the business of miracles. If he can say to a mountain that it should be moved and it moves, he can say just as easily that my behaviors should be changed and they are. At least that’s what I’ve been hoping for, waiting for. Some “boom” moment where I’m transformed into this gentle soul. Work for it? Meh, he’s God, he can do it if he wants.
Yes, I’ve known this isn’t how God works. I’ve just chosen not to acknowledge the fact that I haven’t wanted to put forth the effort because let me tell you, changing who I am on the inside, in my opinion, will be harder than moving a mountain!
But where does this start? I believe it starts with me, going to the Lord, repenting and asking for forgiveness. I’ve done things on my own for so long, I’ve relied on myself while calling myself a Christian. I’ve totally taken over my life. I do what I want, when I want and say, “God, you are my God.” Then I turn around and do whatever it is Mimi wants to do.
This has to change.
I have no choice.
What I want in this life requires it.
So, I’m going to do it. Starting today. Ok, well, in the morning, because how I’m going to start will be in the Word. I will be waking up earlier in the morning to find Him. He will be waiting and he has been waiting for me to show up. Waking up earlier means I need to be going to bed earlier.
God has been moving me in this direction the last couple of months as a sure sign this is where I need to be. I’ve been getting tired much earlier than I ever have and it’s harder and harder to stay up later.
Starting this morning, I’ll be rising and starting my day off with prayer and the Word. I’m also going to find a Bible Study online since I’m moving I will need one. With the move I have to make sure I don’t become even more reliant on myself having only my family for support and not the body of Christ I’ve had here for years now.
I also need to find accountability partners, or at least one. I don’t really have one right now. I have strong Christian friends who I can talk to, but no one who I’ve ever sought out to hold me accountable for my walk as a Christian, a wife and a mom.
This is my starting point. These are the minimum I need to be doing to get my heart aligned with the Lord. I have a long way to go, but believe me, the change will absolutely be worth it. I have asked for forgiveness and apologized for my words. Of course, those two things don’t always mean a fence will be mended.
It will be a long road and I do ask that you pray for me. Thank you!