The Love Dare Day 7: Believing the Best

You know, all I had to do was read the title of Day 7 of the Love Dare and I cringed. I can believe the best about pretty much anyone. Anyone but men who are close to me. My experience says that men have an agenda and I can only believe the best “so far”.

Enter Fred who seems entirely different than any men I’ve had as an intimate part of my life. He’s one of the good guys. He’s attentive, and sweet, and kind, and gentle in spirit. My list can go on and on (and it will in a bit), but…but, little things have happened consistently over the course of our relationship that have led me away from always believing the best. We’re working on it.

Believing the best, at least for me, also involves a certain amount of trust. I trust anyone, until I can’t. Lose trust with me, have a fun time trying to get it back. Especially if you’re the man in my life. It’s an uphill battle. That’s what happens when you date a woman who’s had nothing but hurt and disappointment from the men in her life.

With all of that delightful stuff out of the way, let’s discuss chapter 7. Today the authors talk about two rooms in our hearts. One is the appreciation room. The room where when we met the person we love, we wrote all kinds of wonderful things on the walls of that room about that person.

So like I mentioned above, “Awww he really loves his kids”, “He’s so attentive and texts me so much”, “What a sweet heart for God”, and so on. Those are all very true things and only scratching the surface of the things I wrote on the appreciation room wall about Fred.

Then there’s room two. That room is the depreciation room. This is the room where we write the not so great stuff about our loved one. “Why can’t he keep track of his schedule?” “Why can’t he remember what’s important to me?” “He’s so inconsiderate of my needs” and on and on. The problem is, I can visit this room more often than the appreciation room.

Oh, and if he’s totally ticked me off, I’ll hang out in the depreciation room for quite some time. Looking around at all of the things written on the walls and fortifying my feelings. This room reminds me of how “right” I am and how “wrong” he is. It also reminds me of all the other things he’s done or not done or how he thinks and it helps bolster my resolve to stay in that cruddy place.

On a different personal note about this room, this room is comfortable for me. It’s a false protection for me. In this room I’m safe. This room helps me to build walls that keep “hurtful” people out. This can be my unhealthy comfort zone.

If I spend too much time in the appreciation room, someone, like Fred, could get one over on me. They have the potential of getting too close and hurting me in the same way I’ve been hurt before. I feel naïve in that room, vulnerable.

The thing is, the appreciation room is true about Fred and others, too. People aren’t only a depreciation room. I wouldn’t have fallen in love with Fred if all he was, was all of the bad things. I just lose site of those things when I’m hurt. When things build up, when he does the same thing over and over again, I disregard the appreciation room and all of the good things I know about Fred.

We’re encouraged to move into the appreciation room. We have to make that decision. Trust me, it won’t be an easy decision for me. I’m going to have to be intentional. I like that the authors, and God, understand that the depreciation room exists. It’s there. For all of us. We just need to focus on the positive. Spend more time appreciating instead of depreciating. Easier said than done. I know.

So, my task now is to make two lists. One is about all of the positive things about Fred and one about all of the negative things. After I write my list, I’m supposed to put the lists away for a future Day in this journey.

Where do you spend the most time? The Appreciation or Depreciation Room?

LiveJournal Tags: Love Dare,Marriage,Dating

The Love Dare Day 6: Irritable

I’ve decided that God gave Stephen and Alex Kendrick a prophetic word to write the Love Dare because He knew I’d need it some day. God just left out the part that said, “Dedicate it to Mimi.”

I’m on Day 6 and for goodness sakes, it’s getting ridiculous. The first paragraph once again is me in a nutshell. Now, I don’t go looking for opportunities to get irritated with Fred. They just show up on a very regular basis on my doorstep delivered on a silver platter.

Unfortunately, I take many of those opportunities to tell Fred exactly what I think. I don’t live life in a state of irritability, I can just get to that point in the blink of an eye. Especially if it’s the same stuff, different day. I do have the rare occasion where I react pleasantly, but I’m not characterized by that.

Now, I’ll admit, stress definitely heightens my irritability. I think it does for most people. Not Fred, at least not outwardly like me. He’s more of a stuffer. One of the things that would be a good skill to learn and employ is praying through my stress instead of tackling it on my own. That tends to be when I get in the most trouble. Going about something on my own, at the moment, based on how I feel.

Today we’re supposed to react in loving ways instead of with irritation. Today, and every other day, that means I have to seriously be intentional about it. I’m NOT good at all with being intentional in a loving way. Well, at least not in this way, a gentler way. I’m supposed to find a way to add margin to my schedule (oy vey) and to list wrong motivations I need to release from my life.

One margin I need is to not be working so late into the night. I need to try and get a bulk of my work done during the day so I have time to sit back an relax, clean, blog, etc. Just not work. Fred and I aren’t together every night so it’s mostly having free time with my boys here. I’m not 100% sure about wrong motivations. That one has me stumped.

One of the prompting questions is “When have you recently overreacted?” smh Oh, how about yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. I think about one of the ways in which I reacted to some information I received and I know I was harsh, but I also know it’s a bigger issue that doesn’t need to necessarily be dealt with, but where we come to a place of understanding. Sometimes when you see things differently than someone else, that’s where compromise or understanding comes in.

Would your loved one classify you as an irritable person?

LiveJournal Tags: Love Dare,Marriage,Dating

The Love Dare Day 5: Don’t Be Rude

Let me tell you something about Day 5 of the Love Dare. Fred exemplifies not being rude. He would never say anything off handed, off color, or downright mean about someone in front of another person. Even in private it’s more along the lines of, “she makes me mad.” Nothing at all like I’d say.

I believe one of the things I need to be mindful about is how I talk about him to others, even “jokingly”. I might be joking around by sort of cutting him down in front of our friends and making it sound funny, but for real? Is that funny? I’m definitely NOT characterized by this, but I know I could be. I could take my sarcasm too far and hurt Fred.

Also, do you know someone who is constantly quarrelsome? And I don’t mean look at me or point at me when you think of that someone. Think of someone else. Not Me!

I have become quarrelsome. blech Fred is constantly wondering what the next thing I’m going to gripe about will be. What will I be annoyed with. What has he done to upset me? What can’t he do right? If you can think of it, he’s probably wondered it in regards to me.

I don’t WANT to be that way, but that’s what I’ve become. I can blame it on any number of “rational” reasons, but in the end, it hasn’t done one lick of good. The only success I’ve had with my quarreling is push Fred away. Not the kind of success I want to brag about.

I know this chapter talks about how we can be ignorant which then leads to being self-centered.  I see how unpleasant I can be to “live with” or date, but usually it’s not until AFTER the damage has been done. There’s a little test, 4 short questions and I would have to honestly say I failed at the questions. I’m definitely NOT lying to myself thinking that I don’t need to change in this area. I have a lot to learn from Fred about not being rude!

So, I got to ask Fred what 3 things cause him to be irritated and uncomfortable with me. He didn’t say anything that I expected. For me, I figured he would’ve taken it as a free for all to let me know exactly what he thought. He didn’t. Seriously, the dude never ceases to amaze me and be an example to me. Kinda pisses me off sometimes, but in a good way because it shows me where I need to grow. He can be a very good example, to say the least. =)

Do you ever find yourself being rude to your loved one? How do they respond?

LiveJournal Tags: Love Dare,Marriage,Dating

the Love Dare Day 4: I’m Thinking of You

As I’m reading this book, the Love Dare, I wish I could share every little nugget here with you. There’s so much relational wisdom and understanding. Today is about love being thoughtful.

I remember when Fred and I first met. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was always on my mind. You know what though? That hasn’t changed. Not even in the slightest. I wake up and my first thought is about him. I think about him throughout the day and my last thought is usually about him.

He and I are in a relationship. We’re not married, but we began dating with marriage in mind. He started off by calling it our “one day”. Ladies, aren’t we always giddy when our men are the ones who bring up things of love and the future? Once you’re in that relationship, you have to remember, “…if your thinking doesn’t mature enough to constantly include this person, you catch yourself being surprised rather than being thoughtful.”

Now I have to say that because of my love for Fred and my heart wants to be with him all of the time, I try to always include him in everything. If he’s busy during his work day, I try to be considerate and not interrupt. I wait for him to text me or Skype me letting me know he’s available. Other than that, I always want him around. He knows this. I ask him for it regularly.

Not only that, I try not to make him read my mind. There are times when I want him to “figure it out”, for him to read through the lines, but for the most part, I tell him exactly what I want or need, especially in regards to our relationship. After I do spell it out for him, I wait and give him opportunity.

Another part to being thoughtful is how I communicate. I can be a rather intense person when I’m trying to get my thoughts and emotions shared. Being thoughtful of my relationship with Fred, I need to think so much more before I open my mouth and let the bullets fly. Even when I think I’m justified in what I’m saying, even if it’s “right”, I have to be thoughtful of our relationship. THIS will be extremely hard for me. I don’t do well AT. ALL. holding things back.

I have so much room to grow it isn’t funny!

So, for Day 4, we’re supposed to contact our sweetheart with no agenda and see what need we can fill, what can we do for them.

I kind of had an idea of what I could do for him already, something that was tangible and helpful. With his new business he has a Twitter account that was suspended from being used. I wasn’t sure if he’d had time to get it figured out and if he hadn’t I was going to get it fixed for him.

Sure enough, he hadn’t gotten it fixed and I asked him if he’d like me to do some work with it. Thankfully he accepted my help! It really felt so good to be able to do something like this for him since he’s just getting his business started. I want to help him succeed. To come along side him and encourage him and assist him whenever I can.

I tell you what, being thoughtful doesn’t have to be hard or complicated. It does take consideration and effort. And if you love the person you want or are spending your life with, they should be totally worth it.

How has your loved one seen your thoughtfulness in action lately?

LiveJournal Tags: Love Dare,marriage,dating

The Love Dare: Being & Doing

Ok, the last couple of days have been really busy. I’ve been “doing” the Love Dare by going to Fred’s house and planting some flowers in his “garden”. Yea, ok, he doesn’t really have a garden. It’s just dirt in front of his house with plants/bushes plopped in it. Not at all what I’d want. I’m all about perennials!

So, for Day 2 I was supposed to do a random act of kindness and Day 3 I was supposed to buy something that said, “I was thinking of you today.” Something that helps me be not selfish. I have a 2nd part of Day 3 that I still need to do and I told Fred I’d be doing it Friday night while he’s at his Elder meeting.

As I mentioned the other day, Fred loves seafood. Like, in a crazy way. If he could live off the stuff and never eat anything else, he’d be a happy camper. I remembered we’d passed the place he has catered for and gets his seafood fresh, but for the life of me couldn’t remember where it was. I remember the city it’s in, but sheesh, it’s a big place. Turns out it was down a road I didn’t take, of course!

I ended up getting him some asparagus and fresh shrimp. I was really super bummed I couldn’t find crab legs, which would’ve rounded out his seafood meal. Next time.

Now I have one more thing to bless Fred, but it’s raining and yea, I won’t be doing my one more thing until it’s dry out. I’m more than a bit disappointed.

I have to be honest, it’s hard not to slip back into my usual habits. I’ve also realized some stuff about my relationship with Fred that have been hard. It’s something we’re both going to have to work through. I mean, we’ve got more than one thing to work on. Like he said today, “it’s kind of like gas in a car. Filling only part of the tank gets only so far. Our tank is pretty empty.”

He’s right. We need to fill it up with a lot more positive “gas”. Man, I seriously need to get better at this whole loving and being selfless thing!

In what ways do you fill up the positive in your relationship?

LiveJournal Tags: Love Dare,marriage,dating