Wednesday, December 22, 2010

When Your Husband Wants To Date...Someone Else

Now, there's a back story to this and that is that my husband and I are separated. We've been separated for just over 4 yrs. Yep, a LONG time. We have barely spent any time together during that time, and I'm more than fine with that.

There's a lot I can't explain, wish I could, but can't. Sure I could've divorced him on the spot, when our marriage went down the tubes, but because I have a tendency to rush headlong into things, I decided this time I was going to take my time and see if God had something else in mind for our marriage.

My estranged husband and I are both Christians and hold by God's standards. So, in sticking with those standards, regardless of what happened to my marriage thanks to his choices, I was holding on to the vows and commitment we had entered into 12 yrs ago. Wasn't happy about it, but that was the choice I made.

A few months ago I felt we had come to the decision that a divorce was inevitable. I was really ok with that. I had done what I felt God had asked of me, and now it was time to go our separate ways. Thing pretty much fell into place. Then after our meeting with his counselor, where we discussed the impending divorce, he seemed to be questioning whether or not we had really come to a final decision.

How in the world does someone come away from discussing getting a divorce wondering if they're getting divorced? Then again, he always had this habit of hearing things his own way, as his counselor would attest.

We hadn't gotten together with his counselor again because life happened and the time never was available. You know how it is being a single-mom, you can only do so much as one person. Finally, after getting sick and tired of some of the messages he was leaving on my phone, just being snotty, I called his couselor and said we NEED another meeting.

I get to our arranged meeting ready to discuss these stinkin' messages and she lets him share first. I had no idea what he was going to say! Oh man, I was not ready.

"I asked someone out on a date." I think I laughed at the incredulity of it. I shouldn't have been shocked because, well, just because. Then I got pissed. Sure, it's been 4 years. It's been 4 yrs for BOTH of us. He's not the only one who hasn't been able to share their lives with someone else. I'm in the same boat.

So his counselor asked me how I felt and I said something like, "I'd like to tell him to eff off and that he's not trustworthy or honorable." We're still married. True, it didn't matter the rest of our marriage, but after the separation and all his commitments to church, men's group, purity, etc you'd think the guy would have it figured out by now. Guess not.

I wasn't hurt, like emotionally, because I disconnected from him years ago. It just pissed me off that he still can't think of anyone else but himself. Do you know anyone like this? I mean, we're all self-centered creatures, but some more than others can't see past themselves.

At some point early on in the meeting, I turned to him and he looked at me with a stupid this-is-uncomfortable smirk on his face and I said to him dead straight, "This marriage is over. We are getting a divorce." If he was unsure from our last meeting then he knows now there is no going back.

The beginning of 2011 will usher in a new chapter in my life. He and I will start divorce proceedings. I can't even imagine what possibilities life will hold for me. I'm giddy and curious and I'm sure a ton of other things that I just haven't had time to consider yet. Life will be good!! Woo Hoo


TheAtticGirl said...

Sorry to hear that you are going through a divorce. I can relate to being in "limbo" as I was separated for several years as well hoping we could reconcile and waiting for my ex to come to a decision. At least now you can go forward knowing that you did what you could to honor your commitment. I pray that this will go smoother for you and that it will be amicable. I hope you have a Merry Christmas as you move forward!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're ready for this. That's always a good first step towards divorce!

I am personally not officially divorced myself. But my ex and I date. As far as we're concerned, we're done. There's no questions. But the state of VA has a one year law because of our daughters.. so it's just something we haven't gotten around to.

Unknown said...

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Divorce is hard, no matter how prepared you think you are. When those final papers are signed and the judge declares it over, it's HARD. I'll keep you in my prayers.

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