When my girls turned 13, they were given a ring and were talked to about their purity and how important it was to me and how I hoped it would be important to them as well. Now, this was quite a number of years ago with them, so I’ll be talking about my experience talking to my 13 year old son on Good Friday.
I really hadn’t known what to get him. He just isn’t a jewelry guy. I wanted him to have something to wear, but didn’t know what and I ended up just putting it off over and over. I did finally find a really cool guitar pick looking necklace that had scripture written on it. I just hadn’t ordered it.
While we were in Minnesota, I went by the Lifeway bookstore to find some books for my youngest son and that’s when I remembered about the necklace. I looked and found a couple I liked, but figured since Buddy is so particular, I needed him with me.
So, on Good Friday, after I picked the boys up from spending the night at their sister’s apartment and we headed to the bookstore. I brought Buddy to the jewelry display and told him I wanted him to pick out something. I walked to the book section with Doodle while he looked.
lol He came back with a keychain. I had been texted Fred and when Buddy showed me the keychain I just thought, I don’t think this is the “reminder” I want him to have and thankfully, Fred confirmed my thoughts. I sent him back up front to choose again.
ha! He came back with this black and white plastic bracelet that looked like it’d last about 6 months.
See, the problem was, he didn’t know what he was looking for and why. I just told him to find something. I didn’t want to start the talk while we were there or before hand. So…back up he went. He finally found a NOTW (Not of this World) guitar pick looking necklace. Whew, acceptable.
As we were leaving the store, Doodle says to me, “Am I going to do the same thing when I’m 13?” Yes indeedy son you are!
When I got back to the house, I found a box and wrapped it in white tissue paper. It was that or Christmas paper. I called Buddy to the table and I started talking. I asked him if he knew what purity was and what it meant. He was clueless. Ugh, I have NOT been doing my job well. I explained it to him and then proceeded to tell him about scripture and what God says about purity.
I explained that scripture tells us that God created Adam and Eve, which he obviously knew, but they were told to fill the earth. It was important for him to know sex isn’t bad, in fact God created it and wrote an entire book about it, but it was created for marriage.
Next I gave him the gift. I explained to him this gift represents the gift of having sex for the first time with his wife. I made sure he knew that kissing, holding hands, and cuddling aren’t bad. It’s just that those things can lead to more stuff. You get into the moment and you’re having all of these good feelings and boom, the next thing you know, you’ve just had sex.
Here’s basically the conversation I had with him:
“So, you get your first girlfriend and it’s sweet and you go a little far a couple of times. I want you to make a couple of tears on the tissue paper. When you make these tears, they are a part of you. You can’t have a relationship and go too far without it affecting you somehow.
Now, let’s say you go out with three more girls and each girl you mess around with. I want you to make a bunch or rips all around the gift. And I want you to make several small rips underneath the gift as well.
Do you see this gift now? Do you see how destroyed it is? So many tears and all of this stays with you in one way or another. And the bottom, things happen in each relationship and we don’t always see how it’s affecting us, but it’s still there; the hurt and the pain.
And then, you meet the woman who will become your future wife. And you have this gift to give to her, but look at the shape that it’s in. Think about how it started out and the condition it’s in now. On your wedding night, THIS is what you’ll hand her. And not only will you be handing her this gift from you, but it’ll have all of the girls you’ve been with attached right along with it.
Is this what you want to hand your wife on your wedding night?”
I was in the moment with all of this, in my groove, so I’m sure I’ve left some stuff out, but that’s basically the gist of our conversation.
We talked about how he may meet someone and she may become his wife and he’ll only date one person. Who knows. It doesn’t change the fact that by having sex outside of marriage takes away the blessing God has for those who wait.
Then I handed him his necklace and said, “This is why I want you to wear this necklace. I want it to be a reminder to you, that purity is the best choice. It’s not going to be easy and you’re going to be tempted. Satan is going to make it very hard for you, and that’s why you need to establish boundaries when you’re dating someone ahead of time. That way you’re not in the moment and you give in to your desires.
I can’t make you make the decision to stay pure. All I can do is talk to you about it. It’s up to you to make that decision. I can’t force it on you.”
Sex, it’s good. It’s a good thing, but within the bonds of marriage. That I wholeheartedly believe. I want all of my kids to enjoy the fullness of giving themselves for the first time to one person.
I won’t ever have the luxury of knowing what that was like. I’ve had my gift torn to shreds. Some pieces were torn by me, other pieces torn by someone else. I’ve heard from those who have given themselves for the first time to the person they married and their sex lives have been extremely healthy as well as their marriages.
Will my kids make poor choices? Possibly. My girls are 21 and 20 and I know for a fact that they are as pure as the driven snow. We had our discussion and then it was up to them to make the choice, and they did. There’s nothing to say that my boys will do the same thing. All I can do is be available to talk to them as they make those decisions.
There’s something to be said for staying pure until marriage. I hope my kids choose purity.