Tuesday, April 19, 2011

When It All Falls Apart

Do you ever have times in your life when everything comes together just enough for it all to fall apart? The “little” things begin to build up so much that all it takes is one more thing to send everything spiraling out of control?

That’s where I am right now. It wasn’t just one thing that has me where I am. It’s the timing of everything going on and upcoming.

I want to be clear, I’m NOT looking for sympathy as we all go through crazy times where it seems like we’d rather stay in bed for a month. I’m just laying it out here for you because I don’t know how much I’m going to be online. There are things that have to be done, but I need a break.

Two weeks ago my yearly exam brought me to getting a biopsy. Something completely unexpected. Unfortunately, again because of life, I had to wait over a week to be tested and then a few more days for the results. Turns out the biopsy showed the tissue is benign, but that doesn’t take away the stress.

Smooch Smooch when she was about 5

About the same time, my 2nd daughter turned 18. To say she and I have a contentious relationship is putting it mildly. The level of what I thought was hate and bitterness has always been palpable, even when she was young and an adolescent. Two weeks ago, today, she asked me a question that she already knew the answer to, knowing she was going to get the same answer.

That was the catalyst for her to leave. When I say “leave” I mean, she’s been living in her car since then. She left at 1am. I’ve seen her parked behind our church. I’ve talked to parents who I’m close to who’s daughter’s are close with my daughter and I know she’s done laundry at their house, showered, and eaten meals.

Thankfully we’re in a small town and very little crime happens. I’m hanging on to that. I’ve told her she is welcome to come home any time she wants because this IS her home. I have to remember she made this choice. She has food, a bed, brothers, etc here that she could come home to any time. She chooses not to.

Of course all this brings back how crappy I feel as a mom. A failure. How did I go so wrong with this one child? How can I have an amazing relationship with my oldest daughter? How can I stop the same thing from happening with either of my boys? Trust me when I say I KNOW I can be a crappy mom. Am I crappy 100% of the time, no I don’t think so.

Yep, I lose my cool (sometimes in a major way), yes I have been known to drop the “F” bomb, no I haven’t always been loving, nurturing and understanding. I’d probably say I have good mom moments and I’ve NEVER pretended to be anything but a woman struggling to be a mom. Ask any of my friends and they’ll tell you I am as transparent in my failure as a mom as anyone can be. Maybe someone will learn from my mistakes.

One thing I do know is she and I are very similar. We both have ADD, but I think there’s more to it than that. She’s exactly like her dad who she hasn’t seen or talked to, but once since she was 2yrs old. He lived on the streets, in bushes, under bridges, etc ALL by choice. He hated his family, well, his step dad, and would rather be alone than safe at home.Smooch and meLast night she and I had another falling out. How many can you really have before a relationship is so damaged that it’s severed forever? And with a child? It seems unfathomable to me.

By the end, she was telling me she wasn’t angry and didn’t hate me. She just doesn’t care to have a relationship with me. Apathy is probably worse than feelings of bitterness and hatred.

So, I have a 3 day trip I’m supposed to go on with my 6th grade son and now I have to get someone else to stay at the house with my seizure dog. Finding someone has been stressful. I finally did, but I need to come up with the money to pay him because I can’t expect him to stay here for free.

Then we have a graduation party. My 2nd daughter has been doing school online through the college she’s planning on attending. That has been a major FAIL, but I believe she’ll graduate. We’re doing the party with two other families: her BFF and our pastor’s family. We’re all supposed to go shopping on May 2nd for all the stuff. I can’t even imagine that. Then the grad party? How are we supposed to pretend?

35938_651164988363_38208863_37368278_285874_n Her mission team last year in India

She’s also determined to go on a mission trip this summer. She’s been advised not to go by a few people, but she’s choosing to ignore what anyone says who might be “against” it and planning on going anyhow. How do I support her when I think it’s the wrong thing? She has to come up with at least $4000.

All this has made me not want to be near a computer at all. Not want to engage. I tried several times yesterday to write some posts and nothing. I’m feeling somewhat dead inside right now and need to be somewhere else. It takes a lot to bring me to my breaking point in a sad way, but I’m there now. I just need a break and I’m going to be taking one, as much as I can.

10 comments:

living-the-balanced-life said...

Let me just say that we all feel like parenting failures at times, a lot of the time! I raised 4 and had quite a few major blowouts. My oldest daughter ran away at 17 to live in a drug house for the summer, dropping out of school, an honor student. She is now 29 and is my BFF. I wish I could've spared her some of the pain she's gone thru but I couldn't as she had to make her own choices.
My youngest just turned 18. We have learned a few things from the 1st to the last time around. Most things are not life and death decisions. It is very difficult to navigate the letting go of a young adult. They want to grow up but they want to hang on. And we as parents don't want to let go but on the other hand we want to push them out the door, lol!
Sorry I am rambling here. I just want you to know you are not alone. And sometimes the best way to deal with things at this age is to let natural circumstances take care of some of it.
Oh, and I don't know the details, but from what I hear about out-of-country missions trips, if she wants to guy, find some way for her to go. It could change her total outlook on life.
Feel free to email me if you'd like to talk!
Bernice
bernice m wood @ gmail dot com

Richele said...

I am so sorry for all the trouble you are experiencing. I know all too well what it is like to lose it and use the "F" bomb. It is my biggest weakness and shame. I will pray for peace in your home and healing with your daughter. I cannot imagine what you are feeling and I won't pretend to know...but I will pray. Take all the time you need and we will be here for you when you return.

Ralene said...

I have been to that falling apart stage a few times, though under different circumstances. It's rough, but praise the Lord that He is always there for us. I know you are in the valley right now, and the mountain is too high, too steep. People will understand if you have to take time away. Personal stuff is always more important. My prayers are with you, sweet lady. :)

Jeanette said...

oh what heartache! I can't imagine the stress and pain that you must be going through. I will be praying for you and your daughter. (hugs)

Marisa said...

I can relate a little bit right now in terms of some big things and little things adding up to a huge amount of stress. It's physically/ mentally exhausting.
Thinking of you...

Linda Kish said...

I know that feeling well. I lived it for years. I can only say my son finally grew up after getting arrested and having to go through a serious court mandated anger management program and finally came out a wonderful man. He has ADHD/OCD/ODD and a bunch of other diagnoses. I didn't think I would make it. If all I did wrong was swear, I would have been a saint. He and I are best friends now. But it took many years of therapy on both of our parts to get here.

Can you talk to your pastor? Maybe that could help. And take your time. We will wait.

blueviolet said...

I think you're wise to take some time and collect yourself. You're dealing with a lot right now. If you and your daughter are so much alike, that butting of heads is going to be a very common thing, probably forever. I'll be praying for you with all of these challenges, my sweet friend.

Heather Marsten said...

Am praying for you, it sounds like a rough time. Our pastor often reminds us that once our children reach the age of accountability, they make their own decisions. I pray a peace that passes understanding and know that God can restore beauty for ashes. I am a walking testimony of how a child who lived a messed up life is restored. I pray restoration for you and I pray that you find the godly guidance that will help you through this.

Heather.

Mellisa Rock said...

I know that it seems bleak now...but when kids are 18ish they have more freedom than brains. I pray that she'll come to the same realization that my sister did. It's safer at home. She and my mom were a lot alike and had (still continue to have) blow-ups. They now live just down the road from each other. But they are learning to be very careful with each other as they work through issues. Praying for you.

michelle said...

My dear longtime high school friend....Have I told you lately how much you are thought of and loved. Sorry to hear about your screening, but thrilled it is benign. You know how I feel about that. My time is coming again in May.
I haven't been the best mom as of late my self. I am tired of getting after the boys for things I could be doing around the house if I didn't have a 40wk job, plus grading from the homeschool. I tell myself it is making them more responsible and able to take care of themselves. All I know is God choose these kids for you and you for this kids. Seek Him with all of your heart. He is the only one that speaks truth, especially when our minds wander. I love you. Know you can write me anytime.

Hugs and love from KS,
M

PS Want to send you some Lindt and work it into a gift to pass on. TTYL.

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