The newest blog post prompt is kind of a tough one. I have 4 kids. I would never in a million years claim to do anything right 100% of the time, or even 50% of the time (although I like to think I do). I just get by as best I can. I do what I think is right at the time. Other times I respond in an emotional state. It’s possible to be wrong in both of those situations. Being a single mom means I’m the one who makes all of the final decisions and I’m the one who does all of the parenting. But, I wasn’t always a single mom.
Events happened years ago, when I was married, that was a precursor to the breakdown of my family. My ex-husband left a lot to be desired as a step father. He and my youngest daughter didn’t get along by any stretch of the imagination. I think because she wouldn’t take any of his crap it made him even more mad. Often it felt like I was dealing with two 10 yr olds. It was ridiculous.
I did my best to stop the fighting the two of them did, verbally, and sought counseling. At the time, I thought I was doing the best I could, and tried to protect the girls, from his outbursts, mostly my youngest daughter. It didn’t happen all of the time, but the verbal crap my daughter took from him just wasn’t ok. I’m not a pushover, ask my boyfriend, and got in between them and didn’t let him keep up his crap once he got on a roll. Sometimes it got out of hand before I was able to step in, but don’t doubt, step in, I did.
When I look back, I know that we can all say what we would’ve done in certain situations if it “had been me”, I’m sick to my stomach. I know I would’ve done things differently. I don’t like how I handled the situation.
I’M their mom!
I’M the one who should protect them no matter what.
Unfortunately, I failed them, my girls, and ultimately my family, by not making better decisions earlier on and putting them in a place where they were better protected from him.
Thankfully we’ve been apart for 7 years and our lives have gotten significantly better. My youngest daughter and I still struggle to have a relationship. I have asked for her forgiveness in as many ways as I can and I have taken responsibility for not being there when I should have.
I’m asking that you not attack me because you know you would never allow such a thing to happen in your home. I have done that for you for years. I still carry the guilt on a daily basis of not taking care of or protecting my girls. I still beat myself up when it comes to mind, and rehash it all in my head often enough that not one else needs to beat me up and tell me what a crappy, fail mom I was.
Maybe you’ve never had quite the regrettable parenting moment like I have, but maybe you feel like sharing a little moment you’ve had as a mom or dad.