Saturday, July 23, 2011

Anyone A Glutton Like I Am?

When my boys are gone for a day or two, I try to relish the time alone. Unfortunately, all it does is give me too much time alone with my thoughts. That can make me very melancholy. It reminds me of how truly alone I am sometimes.

I haven’t shared my life with someone for almost 5 yrs. Yes, I mean with a man. Before that, my marriage was bad pretty much from the beginning. I thought I knew what I was getting into and it was clear after the vows were taken that I was clueless…but I had no idea how clueless I was for about 8 yrs.

It was a very loveless marriage. We went through the motions, but it was never a happy marriage and my kids grew up in a very tense filled home. We tried counseling, but I never knew what the underlying issue, or that there even was an underlying issue, so I kept thinking it was all my fault when I had no idea what was going on in the background.

So here I sit, 13 yrs later, in Minnesota…alone. Yes, I have friends whom I love to death. But I wanted to share my life with someone who I loved as the foundation of our lives. Being married before, I knew that marriages have their ups and downs, but you try to push through.

Photo courtesy of soundlessfall

Holding handsI have only ever wanted to be loved and to love back. Passionately and deeply. No, I’m not saying I want a movie romance, because they are non-existent. It’s that knowing no matter what, you love that person. They are a part of you. You really have become one with that person. That when you fight you might not like them at the moment, but you love them regardless.

Don’t we all want to be known, and still be loved, for who we are at our core? For someone to say that they love us because of who we are? I just can’t even imagine that, especially after being in a marriage where I was constantly being told to change.

The clothing I wore wasn’t appropriate. On one hand I didn’t know anything, but then was asked advice, because apparently I was smart, but not smart enough to follow the advice.

I feel like I’ve spent my life not being good enough for anyone. From the beginning all I’ve wanted was for my dad to love me. From there I figured I’d find a guy to love me. It wasn’t an intentional quest, but subconsciously acted upon.

I’ve truly loved 2 guys in my life. One was in high school. We went to prom together. He wouldn’t kiss me. I didn’t understand that. He was a year younger than me. I was used to guys going in for the kill pretty early on, yet here was a guy who wouldn’t kiss me? He wrote me sweet letters and was so good to me, even way back when. He’s one of the guys you’re told to never let go. Well, I did because I just didn’t understand what was wrong with me that he “loved” me, but wouldn’t kiss me.

Photo courtesy of Aunt Owwee love

Then, between my marriages I met a man I knew I could’ve spent the rest of my life with. For over a year he was my best friend and my boyfriend. I was giddy every single time I was with him. The joy in my heart just spilled over. Unfortunately, he wasn’t ready to be a dad and I had 2 little girls who were my world. Obviously this wasn’t going to have a future so we broke up. That was probably one of the most painful times in my life. The love I had for him was a beautiful thing.

Now here I sit mulling over my “options”, which in my last personal post, I explained that at the moment I don’t have any…really. There’s one guy, but I just don’t know. And when I say there’s one guy, he has no clue that I might be interested. Of course for now it will all have to wait. The divorce isn’t finalized, but it’s been over for so long. My ex and I haven’t spent more than a few minutes together in almost 5 yrs. I’m hoping the paper work is almost done. I’m ready to move on.

I wasn’t ready in the last 4 1/2 years, but the time has come. I feel like my heart is ready to jump out of the nest again. It’s a scary unknown. I wish I was one of those people who could date numerous men at once so I could see what I really want. I’m not one of those people though. I’m a one man woman. If I’m with someone, I’m completely with them. Always have been, always will be. I don’t have it in me to share myself with more than one person.

Then again, as I mentioned the other day, my options are pretty limited so I wouldn’t necessarily have that problem anyhow.

As for the glutton part…when my boys are gone, I have the weight of my aloneness weigh on me. So I listen to music that feeds those feelings and I watch movies like The Notebook or P.S. I Love You. Did I have my one true love that one time for that one year? Is that all I get? Should I be satisfied with that? If so, then why do I want it again?

After my boys come back you won’t have to deal with these emotions and thoughts! My boys keep my brain spilling over with all their chatter, arguments, and just being here in general! I just needed to regurgitate my thoughts so I could go back and mull them over later. This blogging sure can be cathartic! Who knew?


Unknown said...

As someone who went from one relationship to the next with very little to no breaks in between her entire life, I really don't have any advice for you that comes from any kind of BTDT place.
(((Putting on psychologist hat)))
Maybe you should consider just getting out more. You don't necessarily need to frequent pick-up bars to find someone. Go places where you like to go, where your interests lie. Instead of just focusing on why you're there, maybe try to socialize a little? IDK - just get used to being more social... I have a friend who's been so busy raising her three girls and has spent no time on herself. She's gotten into the habit of only focusing on her main goal when she goes places (shopping at the market, finding that book she's looking for at the library) that she stopped noticing the people around her. Just starting a conversation with someone - even if it's about the sorry state of the bananas this week - can open doors!

I hope that, even when the kids are back, you take some steps to focus on you, too! It can be so easy to distract yourself with your kids, but they are going to grow up someday and need to strike out on their own!

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

What a beautiful and sad post! I really loved this line: Don’t we all want to be known, and still be loved, for who we are at our core?

YES! Of course. And it's what you deserve. And I hope you find it.

Mimi said...

Oh Mimi, my heart hurts for you. I remember those days after my husband left when I vascillated between wanting to be with someone & then afraid that they would not be good enough for my boys.

I'll pray that God puts a good man in your path. I'm living proof that true love can happen after a long drought.

Hugs & love & more hugs,

Wanda said...

You transparency is admirable. Although I haven't ever been married, I can relate to much of what you have stated here. I pray that you will be able to discover a loving relationship. Blessings to you.

Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

Came over looking for this after your comment. I understand and I find myself in a similar situation. I'm tired of being alone. My children are away right now and I have too much time with my thoughts... trying to be productive, but then I lose steam and get all 'thoughtful' again!

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Woven by Words by Mimi B is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.